BODY LANGUAGE SECRETS
A Guide During Courtship And Dating
This book will help you find, meet, talk with and date the right kind of person. Don Steele tells you honestly and bluntly how you can make the right impression and a have big impact at every social gathering. 50 photos, plus his sound methods and practical advice let you know what to look for as well as what to watch out for!
WOMEN, learn how you can easily get noticed, then interest and attract the right type of man, someone you can trust. As you talk, you will know if he's telling the truth by the way he stands or sits and how he touches you or himself.
MEN, learn how you can tell from across the room if she's interested by her gestures and the way she changes her posture. During conversation, find out if she's leading you on or if she's sincerely interested in you.
Author's Body Language Anecdote: As the Watergate hearings were taking place in1973, I was interning as a Marriage, Family and Child Counselor with Nathaniel Branden. Part of my responsibilities included learning, then teaching body language to fellow interns.
In the afternoons we'd watch the daily televised testimony with sorrow and dread as our country's President was slowly, but steadily revealed as a crook. I kept telling everyone John Mitchell, the Attorney General, was lying on the witness stand. Nobody believed, rather, wanted to believe, that America's chief law enforcement officer would lie to the United States Senate. But, I could feel it, as corny as it sounds, deep in my bones.
One day, someone turned the volume down on the television to answer the phone. We kept watching the silent screen. With the sound off, we were all able to notice that time after time, Mitchell would touch his mouth or eye when responding, or close his eyes while, or just as he finished, speaking. After he did that about three times, the entire group, especially me, screamed, "He's lying! He's lying!"
Later, to help recently divorced clients and clients who had inadequate social skills, Branden had me conduct Assertiveness Training For Singles. Part of the program was the Body Language Of Courtship. The aim was to teach women how to spot manipulative, lying men and to help men learn which women were attracted to them.
SIGNS OF INTEREST (excerpts from chapter 3)
Becoming A True Believer A few days after watching a video of The Thomas Crown Affair, Joanna and I were having wine and hors d'oeuvres in a quiet, romantic restaurant three months into our relationship. All of a sudden, she forever lost her doubts about the validity of body language.
Between intense moments of falling deeply into love, I had shared my knowledge with her as idle conversation. She, as most people are in the beginning, was a skeptic. In a subtle attempt to convince her, I had rented the movie. A few hours after we had watched it, I rewound it to the chess match and seduction scene. I asked Joanna to focus on body language.
As the attractive female investigator matched wits with Thomas Crown on the chess board, and about the robbery, she used nonverbal signals to distract him. Every time it was his turn to move, she idly but sensually, fondled her bishop. In blunt terms, she masturbated it. Crown could not take is eyes off what she was doing, lost concentration and gave up on the chess match. Joanna wasn't impressed.
Back to wine and hors d'oeuvres. As we were chatting, Joanna abruptly blurted out, "Look what I'm doing to my glass!" Several nearby diners and I looked, she was slowly, lovingly stroking the long stem, up and down, up and down.
Sexual Signals. Women, don't hesitate to use this subtle, powerful nonverbal signal to tell the man he's doing just fine as you talk. Men, the equivalent is to run your finger slowly around the rim of your glass during casual conversation. If you want to be rather blatant, casually touch the tip of your finger to your mouth now and then to lubricate the lip of the glass.
From Across The Room. Women, keep that geek away! Get that guy in the red shirt to come over here and talk. Send each man an unspoken but unmistakable message. Men, don't get shot down by approaching a woman who is not interested in you. Pay attention to what she's "saying" without words.
Here are signs of interest sent from across the room. Most are applicable to both sexes. The sequence of the list approximates the courtship sequence.
| I'M
INTERESTED Sidelong glance(s) Looks at you a few times Holds your gaze briefly Downcast eyes, then away Posture changes to alert Preens, adjusts hair, attire Turns body toward you Tilts head Narrows eyes slightly Smiles Matches your posture Eyes sparkle Licks her lips Thrusts breasts |
DON'T BOTHER
ME Never sneaks a peek Fleeting eye contact Looks away quickly Looks away, eyes level Posture unchanged Does no preening Turns body away Head remains vertical Eyes remain normal Neutral, polite face Posture unchanged Normal or dull eyes Keeps mouth closed Sags to de-emphasize breasts |
In Summary. Frequency of eye contact, the more the better. Amount of time she, or he, holds your gaze, the longer the better. How she breaks off eye contact, down before away is great! Shine of the eyes, the brighter the better. Direction of body, toward you, good, away, bad. Overall posture, erect and alert are good. Tilt of head, vertical is bad, increased tilt is great. Where the drink is held, high in front as a barrier, that's bad. Hand activity, clenched, squeezing or pinching is bad, open, caressing or stroking is great.
FIRST CONVERSATIONS (Without Words) (Excerpts from Chapter 6)
Most of us are slightly afraid as well as somewhat excited in settings where social interaction is expected and required. So, most people do not sit or stand in an open posture. But, during courtship, the more open the other person's posture is, the more open that person is to you and your advances. And, the more open you are, the more likely the other person is to open up to you.
Open And Closed
If you're wide open while sitting, your posture is similar to Abe Lincoln's in the Lincoln Memorial. Your feet are flat on the floor. Your hands are relaxed, not clenching anything. And, you're not holding a drink in front of yourself as a symbolic barrier. While standing, you're open when your hands are not in your pockets. You are not leaning against anything. Your feet are flat on the floor.
First Conversation Signals
Men, pay attention to all the ways she communicates during the first few minutes as you talk with her. Women, let him know what you want.
| KEEP TALKING Alert, energetic Pupils dilated Gradually opens posture Lowers drink Touches self gently Caresses objects Crosses and uncrosses legs Flashes of palm Crossed legs steady Dangles shoe on toe Hands never touch face Touches you any reason Feet firmly on floor Loosens anything Leans forward Steady hands, feet |
MOVE ON Tense, restless Normal or small pupils Posture remains closed Keeps drink high Grips or pinches self Squeezes, taps objects Legs remain crossed Back of hand gestures Swings crossed legs Keeps shoe on Touches face Never touches you Feet on edges or toes Tightens anything Leans away Tapping, drumming |
Gradually Opens Posture
In social settings, most of us start out in a closed, defensive posture because we're a bit apprehensive. A closed posture feels safe. When the person you are talking with shifts to a more open posture, it signifies trust and comfort. That person is, literally, opening up to you and what you have to offer.
It takes courage to open up to the other person. If you go first, she, or he, will usually follow your move from closed to slightly more open. Open up in, slow, gradual shifts of posture.
From Closed To Open And Beyond - In the sequence of four photos, you can see many signs of interest. Overall, as the two are talking, the woman moves from a closed posture to an open posture. The encounter begins with her arms crossed and with her ankles locked under the chair. As the conversation continues, she unlocks her ankles and puts her feet flat on the floor, then sits up and leans toward the man. Next she uncrosses her arms. Notice that her hands are open and relaxed as she leans even closer. In the last photo, she is touching herself gently in a sensuous way.
BACK COVER
DURING COURTSHIP AND DATING
PEOPLE DON'T ALWAYS SAY WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN
BUT THEIR BODY LANGUAGE REVEALS THE TRUTH
Spot Game Players Instantly
Appear To Be Confident And Relaxed
Know When You're Coming On Too Strong
Who's Lying To You And Who's Lusting For You!
Find Out If He's Mr. Right Or A Lurking Mr. Hyde!
Direct Conversation So She/He's Is Attracted To You
Discover If He's Sincere Or Just Trying To Get Lucky
Know When To Keep Talking And When To Move On
Spot, Then Send Your Own Non-Verbal Signals Of Interest
Let Her/Him Know You're Attracted By Easy-To-Learn Gestures
REVIEW: Steele has written the benchmark book of courtship body language. There's nothing that even comes close. Money well spent. Tom French, Miami Herald, March 3, 1997
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Lines, Lies Or The Truth
What Is Body Language?
Signs Of Interest
What Is Courtship?
Commandments Of Meeting
First Conversation Without Words
Second Conversations Without Words
On Shaking Hands
Meeting Mister Or Ms Right
Reluctance, Resistance And Tests
Courtship Tactics For Women
Courtship Tactics For Men
What To Talk About
Dating
On Not Being Too Nice
Helpful Hints
Brain Wiring
Abnormal Happens
Sex Is Number Four
Author's Bio: Steele attended Clarion State, Penn State, USC and Cal State Fullerton to earn a BA in Philosophy and Cal State Northridge for his MA in Psychology. He interned with Nathaniel Branden at the Biocentric Institute in Beverly Hills. After becoming a Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in 1976, he worked with Branden and was in private practice. He and Joanna Bardot Lopez live in Hawaii with their turtle, Shelby and rabbit, Peaches.