Excerpt from an interview with a Professional Dominatrix from Sexpectations

Name: Nikki
Age: 33
Occupation: Professional dominatrix
Relationship Status: In a relationship with 2 men and 1 woman

What qualities do you look for in the men and women you are sexual with and date?
I mostly look for sincerity, and of course, an interest in the lifestyle. I don't have any interest at all in mainstream sex. I basically look for honesty and sincerity. My relationships have all the aspects of "plain vanilla" relationships; they just have the S/M aspect thrown in, too.

How does the S/M aspect transfer into your everyday life?
It transfers because I am always in control. I am not opposed to compromise. It is not just "my way or the highway," but I always maintain a sense of control.

Does that mean your partners are not allowed to disagree with you?
No, that is not a rule, but they seldom do.

How do people show you they are sincere?
This is a lifestyle for me. This is not a lifestyle for everyone, which is fine. For some people this is strictly foreplay; it turns them on and that's as far as it goes. For those in the lifestyle, it's not like they have to have an orgasm. If you are in the lifestyle, you are getting such a mind-fuck 24 hours a day. I am not saying that having an orgasm isn't great and nice, but you don't need to have the physical orgasm because you have it psychologically.

Is that what the lifestyle means to you?
Yes, that is what it means to me. It means different things to different people. I can't speak for everyone. I've been to many support groups when we discuss what it means to be a lifestyle person. Lifestyle to me is when you are constantly in role 24 hours a day. It's not that you are standing around wearing leather, expecting people to crawl around at your feet. It's a mind-set. Sometimes it is much more relaxed than other times, but it is always there. To the outside world, me and my partners would appear to be a mainstream couple.

I don't order my slaves around unless we are in a full scene mode. They do what I ask them to do. I don't say, "Get your coat on and go to the store." I say, "Could you please go to the store and get this for me?" I love them. I have a lot of respect for them. I don't treat them like dirt.

How does being of part of the lifestyle influence the way you think and interact with people?
I think everyone should have the right to do whatever they want, or feel, to do. This is what I like to do, but not everyone else does. That is fine. I am not interested in mainstream things at all.

Occasionally I attend mainstream events because of my kids. I was in a coffee clutch recently with a bunch of vanilla moms. They were complaining about their husbands and sounded so powerless. I was just sitting with my mouth shut, thinking of all the ways I could train their boring husbands. To me, what they all do and think, is incredibly boring.

What is the most difficult thing about this lifestyle?
The hardest part for me is that I have kids. I have to maintain the lifestyle without giving anything away to them. Sometimes it ruins the spontaneity of things. But I am divorced, and my ex-husband usually has the kids on weekends.

Are you nasty and aggressive with the men who come to see you for sessions?
It depends, not everyone enjoys that. To give someone your submission is an erotic power play. It's the giving up of control that is very comforting. The majority of my clients have very controlling jobs. They give orders all day long. They are constantly in control and are constantly on top of things. They have very demanding positions and there comes a point where they just want to let it go. It's a wonderful place to be, and you get there in your own head. You worry about nothing. You give yourself to me, and I make all the decisions.

Do you normally beat the men who come to see you?
I flog them, not all the time with each guy. I flog them, spank them, tie up their testicles and put clamps on their nipples. I do a lot of things....

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