|
The trick is to balance your hormones with your gray matter. You should be thinking as much as you are feeling. The feeling part is very easy. It almost takes care of itself. Look. Be honest. It would be possible for you to work up some heat for a very wide variety of women. Every woman has some level of charm and sexuality. The hard part is thinking about the other factors - matching value systems, an equal interest in the relationship and the ability to relate intellectually. It will take time and thought to uncover this information. You are seeking potential. However, sometimes you can tell right away. The problem is that it is easy to overlook red flags when your testosterone is controlling the show. Don't forget that it goes the other way. Dating is a true marketplace. You must exhibit potential as a partner in order to start the process. You will both be evaluating each other.
The reality is that there are thousands, perhaps millions of women who would work out just fine as dates or long term commitments. It is a matter of compromise, readiness, need and circumstance. You must realize that you don't end up with the absolute best choice available for a girlfriend or a wife. If you look at it in statistical terms, there must be thousands of women who have more to offer. You just don't have the time and resources to meet them all. Picture it as a major event like a college football game. You have one afternoon and about 20,000 available women. How many can you get to know well enough to ask out for Saturday night? OK, all analogies leak, but you get the point. So with luck, you could hope to date less than 100 girls during your bachelor-hood. (We're being generous.) With luck, the average Joe will experience a dozen or so "relationships" lasting more than a couple weeks. One or two of these will result in marriages. Maybe. Are you depressed? Don't be - these are just the facts. Check with your older friends and relatives for verification. (By the way, don't forget that the women are also out there meeting, rejecting, accepting, dating and marrying guys constantly - just to add to the confusion!)
Long distance relationships have an extremely low chance of succeeding. You should avoid the heartache for both of you by sticking to the female population within a two-hour drive of your place. This only makes sense. If things do start to heat up, how can you be part of her daily or even weekly life if you live 400 miles away? Phone, fax and e-mail are not sufficient. You have to be there on a very regular basis. Choose local women or relocate.
In a good match both partners are interested in pleasing each other. You can get a sense for this very early in the dating process. Watch for signs of inconsiderate behavior or unkindness. Don't tolerate it. It will not change. If she is rude to her friends, family or co-workers - you're next. On the other hand she should not be meek and easily manipulated. Sometimes men gravitate to women like this because they are easy conquests and can be controlled. This is a character flaw on the part of the guy. You will not have any respect for a woman who is too meek and has low self-esteem. Again, she will not change and you will regret it when she is clinging to your leg as you try to escape. The best combination is a woman who is receptive to your initiatives, but is still challenging. She may only accept you as a friend at first. That's okay. Actually, that's the best place to start. Give it some time - perhaps a couple of months. The strongest trees grow very slowly. Weeds grow very quickly. A successful relationship consists of two people who match on several levels. Adults are fully developed and only change on their own terms. Therefore, everything required by both parties must be in place beforehand. This is what makes it so difficult. Men are walking around with a key and women are walking around with a lock. While it is true that many keys will open many locks, most of the combinations will not work. What is amazing is that so many couples will attempt to match and stay together even if the lock doesn't open. Don't let this happen to you.
How do you fit all this exercise into your life? If you are not exercising at all, here is a good starting plan. Try to start with 30 minutes of exercise three times each week. It is best to start walking two of those days, and do some strength training one day. Target all the major muscle groups with one set each. Always include some stretching at the end of every workout. What is most important first is establishing the habit of exercise! After you have accomplished this for three months, lengthen one of your walking sessions to include both walking and weights. This will give you one day of walking, one day of weights and one day of both. Follow this for up to six weeks. Your next goal should be to increase your walking time on the your walking only day. Increase it in five minutes increments to 45 minutes or one hour, depending on your time availability. Follow this schedule another six weeks. Next, on your lifting only day, increase the intensity (weight) of your exercises. Work to momentary muscle fatigue within 8-12 reps. Follow this for two to six weeks, then increase the volume on this day by adding a second set to your exercises. At this time you may feel that you can add another day of exercise or try a yoga class.
Ask them. While the answers may be obvious when you think about it, it is easy to let
things slide. Old habits die hard. Constant attention to detail is required. Some things
women just hate include:
You need a least one good suit. It may take a while to find the right one and pay for it, but make it a goal. It should be made of one hundred percent wool and be very dark. You can use it for a variety of situations including weddings and New Year's Eve. Buy on sale, but spend as much as you can for a top label. It will last for years. Your new suit should fit perfectly. This is key. Buy it where they have a good tailor. Ask around. Be sure to tip him. It will eventually pay off. Buy a good quality white shirt. Be sure to buy the right neck size. Check with a tape measure. Invest in an expensive (about forty dollars) silk tie. Learn to tie a double Windsor knot. You will look great. You will also need a pair of dark dress socks and a pair of good dress shoes, preferably black. These should always be freshly shined and ready to wear.
People just don't smile enough. We don't mean to make you a grinning idiot or a used car salesman. The secret is timing. You need to turn it on and off at the right time. Careful here - this sounds fake, but allow us explain. You have pleasant feelings and thoughts all the time. You wake up and see a great day outside. You pet the dog. You read Doonesbury or Dilbert. You find ten dollars in a pair of pants under your bed. You go the gym and see an empty treadmill next to that cute redhead you've been interested in. (Now we're getting somewhere.) In all these instances, especially if you are alone, you would just enjoy the moment and maintain your typical poker face. It's easier. What's the point of working out those facial muscles if no one can see it? Plenty. It's conditioning. Allow yourself to express warm and fuzzy feelings by smiling when it feels right. Always. People will actually begin to catch you at it. They will wonder what you're up to. After a while it will become second nature. You will begin to smile more. Of course, when the moment is over, you need to relax. People will think you're doing a Jack Nicholson impression if you don't.
Thoreau wrote, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Does your future consist of Wednesday following Tuesday? Have a dream. Have several, but have something. You don't have to aspire to buying out Bill Gates or making the NBA. Perhaps you would like your own business or some further education. It really doesn't matter and it can certainly change. Try this. How do you see your life one year from now? What about five years? Close your eyes and paint a picture. Don't put limits on yourself. Now there is some fascinating conversation. When you are done telling her about yours, ask her about hers.
You really can't judge a book by its cover. You must have proved this to yourself, over and over again. Before we all get in too much trouble here, to a large extent, it's not what you have - it's what you do with it. We are also attracted to energy, vigor and charm. The way a woman behaves and moves kicks in big time after your first look. We are, after all, highly evolved intelligent creatures capable of thoughtful involvement with others. After the hormones subside you have to relate on another, more meaningful level. Underneath all that feminine charm is a real, live person. Enjoy the excitement, but move on to getting to know her and making her your friend as soon as possible. We just want you to understand what is going on in your subconscious. If you end up stuck in first gear, the party will end sooner than you would like.
Bars. Sorry, it doesn't work for a number of reasons. The conditions are horrible, the competition is fierce and the mindset of the women is all wrong. The music is too loud for decent conversation, which is essential. It could happen, but luck is not with you. NEVER GO TO A BAR BY YOURSELF! You immediately have the word "LOSER" tattooed on your forehead. What are you going to do - stand against the wall with a beer and watch the girls walk by? Are you hoping one of them will stop and say, "Hey, you really remind me of Brad Pitt - how about coming back to my place?" Right. Only go to a bar with a group and for a reason. You can go with some buddies to watch a game or hear a good band or celebrate Jim's promotion. The best situation is to go with a mixed group of couples and singles. You have a crowd to hang with. You can invite a lady to join your group if the opportunity presents itself. You are talking and enjoying yourself and you will appear much more attractive than the collection of single dolts standing by the ladies' room.
If a relative calls you and says, "I know just the girl for you!' - be very cautious. The problem is that they have no idea what you are looking for. If you implement the ideas in this book you will develop a clear idea of the type of person you are seeking. They only know what they think would be good for you. Also they are trying to help someone they know. (Why does she need all this help?) Women love to do this. They cannot tolerate a salt shaker without a peppershaker. It's in their genes. Just as nature abhors a vacuum, a woman abhors an available, unmatched male. Beware. You will be set up on a blind date with a minimal chance of success. When the date is over, the "matchmaker" will call and say, "Well, what did you think? Isn't she terrific?" Now, what do you say? You will end up hurting Aunt Hilda's feelings and struggling through an uncomfortable cup of coffee with her best friend's daughter who is determined to start a mink farm and have at least seven children. So how do you handle referrals? In spite of the last paragraph, this is to be encouraged. You see, the example in the previous paragraph was unsolicited. You have to be in control. It's called networking - simple. Try to arrange a meeting with a group of people. ("A bunch of us are going to the Arts Festival this weekend. Why don't you and Fred bring Karen and we can meet?" - Very safe for both of you.) Avoid spending an evening at the well-meaning couple's home for dinner. It will be the longest night of your life.
Learn some jokes. Especially clean ones. The dirty ones are usually funnier, but you need to play it safe. Tape some top comedians. Write the jokes down if you have to. People often say they can't remember jokes. That is because they don't immediately tell them. Practice at the office or with your relatives or anyone who will listen. You only need two or three good ones. Don't drag them out. Get to the punch line quickly. Tell it with animation. Watch the pros and learn. You need to be familiar with popular culture. It provides useful small talk. It makes you appear informed and hip. Pay attention to current phrases. There is always a set of terms out there. "What's up with that?", "Hellooo" , "Work with me here", "Yada, yada", etc. There's a bunch of them and they go in, then out of style. Sometimes they can be juvenile, but it is a good idea to sprinkle some in your conversation at the right time. Be sure you get the context and meaning right. Try to get familiar with a little bit about as many current subjects as possible. If would be helpful if you knew three or four of the most popular songs, shows, artists, etc. in each category. You don't have to be a fan of rap music or computers but it is helpful to be able to converse or at least recognize some important artists or terms. It's simply a matter of being informed. This does not require a lot of effort. Read a variety of magazines such as People, Time, Rolling Stone, U.S. News and World Report, Wired, Cosmopolitan (Yes, you want to know what they are into) and your local paper. Listen to several radio stations. Make it a point to know the top three artists in each music genre, top current films, actors, news stories, etc.
We maintain several zones of personal space depending on our comfort level. We will let anyone, other than terrorists, to remain more than five feet out of range. We are effectively ignoring these people. Of course, this range may be used for distance flirting. In a business or social setting we expect people to remain two to four feet away to maintain a comfort level. This is where you need to be in the initial stages of flirting. When signs of success are obvious and you think you are invited, you can move into the intimate zone - an arm's length or less. In general, women will not allow anyone this close unless they are very comfortable and very interested. If you get to this point it is a very good sign. Do your best to stay here as long as possible.
A woman will not usually tell a guy to get lost in the first fifteen seconds. If she does, she may be a barracuda and you have lost nothing. Consider yourself lucky. Most women will deliver gentle hints and body language and hope you get the message. They don't want to hurt anyone. If you are perceptive enough to notice them, you can gracefully move on. You are in control and your pride is intact. You get to say, "See you later." How could that hurt? At least you don't have to walk across the gym floor while your friends laugh at you. Believe us, no one is even interested in what just happened. They are all working their own agenda.
Watch her carefully. She is a master of conversation. Ever notice how little you learn about her while she interviews guests? Is there a lot of laughter? Is the guest relaxed? How does she do it? She asks simple open-ended questions and lets the guest roll. She shows sincere interest in what they are saying and participates without going off topic. The conversation rarely shifts to her. She is carefully processing what the guest is saying and preparing her next question. Look at her body language. Posture, eye contact and gestures all contribute to the guest's comfort level. If a good conversationalist speaks, it will be to encourage the partner to continue or
move them to another topic when the current one is exhausted. Maintain a pleasant smile
and warm eye contact. From time to time use simple phrases like:
The purpose of a first date is to get a second date. When you invite a woman out for an evening it is like throwing a small party where she is the only guest. You are responsible for everything. She is only expected to show up and look gorgeous. Be a man of decision. Think James Bond. While you don't have every minute planned, there is a definite flow to the evening. You don't have to reveal everything, you just need to act as though you have everything under control. Make careful plans and execute
Please and thank you. Be very liberal with these two phrases. Your mom was right. Be polite to everyone consistently and it will come naturally. Waiters, valets, and cab drivers are all people just like you. She will notice. Open doors. You would be surprised how much women appreciate this. Most of your competition won't bother. Good. Get out of the car, walk around and open her door. (Don't be staring at her legs as she gets out.) Always extend an arm to help her in or out of a car or a chair. On the way back, unlock her door and let her in first. Walk ahead to doors and hold them open for her as she enters or exits. Always hold doors for her when possible, but in any case NEVER use one ahead of her. Get in the habit of always doing this. It really sets you apart. Push her chair in. A gentleman always stands when a lady enters or leaves a room. This is especially true at a table. Rise and pull her chair out as she stands up. When she returns, rise again and push her chair in as she sits. If you have to leave say, "Please excuse me." When being escorted to a table or a seat by an usher or hostess, the man follows the lady. If there is no assistance, the man leads and escorts the lady into the room. If the two of you are walking in together she should be on your right. If it's a formal occasion let her take your right arm. Always offer to help her with her coat. Always offer to walk her to her door at the end of the evening.
Flowers are very powerful and loaded with meaning. They send the same message as a gift - "I'm interested." You need to be sure they will be favorably accepted before you send them. Roses are the most powerful flowers you can send. A single red rose traditionally means, "I love you." A dozen long-stemmed American Beauties (they're dark red)? Heavy artillery. Start with a small bouquet of fresh flowers. Cost? About fifteen dollars or so. This should be saved until you are convinced that there is something going on. A nice touch is to send them to her workplace. The other girls will make a big fuss over her. Of course, it could backfire if you misread your status. She will have to explain why this guy she just met is coming on so strong, so soon - bad news for you. Use flowers as an encouraging sign of interest after a few dates. Send them as soon as possible after seeing her, if you're going to do it. Include a simple, light note. Don't use familiar affectionate terms like "Love" just yet. The term is loaded with meaning. Something like "Thanks for a memorable evening" is just fine. Don't overwhelm her with something after every date. Save them for recognition of something special. Flowers need to be unexpected to maximize their effect. Don't mention them after sending them. You are fishing for compliments or reactions - bad form. If she wants to say something, she will. (She probably will.) Don't worry if she doesn't.
Time can work for you or against you. It's your choice. If you expect to develop a relationship very quickly, you will find that it ends as quickly. You can't ramp up too fast. Consider nature. Some plants grow very quickly. They complete their life cycles in a matter of weeks or months. Common weeds are a good example - here in May, gone in October. Now think about the most successful plants - the redwoods, oaks and some evergreens. All develop very slowly, some over hundreds of years. They become strong and resistant to the destructive effects of the environment. On the other hand, weeds are crushed underfoot. The species survives by being numerous.
Becoming friends with a woman means meeting her needs as a person (not a body).
People have a natural need to preserve their emotional freedom. You need to recognize this. You can not press the issue and talk her out of giving it up. She has to come to her own conclusion that a relationship with you is preferable to an independent single existence. The prime reason will be because you satisfy her emotional needs. That is what you must work on. Of course, this works both ways. You will have to make the same sacrifice. That is what makes relationships so difficult. The conditions and circumstances must be right for both parties. Unfortunately, the Beatles were not quite correct when they sang, "All you need is love." You must have boundaries. You probably already do without recognizing them as such. A boundary is an invisible line between you and another person. You have to maintain your identity as a unique person in any relationship. There is an old saying, "good fences make good neighbors." No matter how close and intimate you become with someone, you must preserve your self-respect. Good boundaries make good relationships. They must be in place and clear to both parties early in the dating process. It works both ways. Some men do not respect the boundaries of women. They will be jealous, possessive and controlling. Don't violate a woman's boundaries. Don't let her violate yours.
So when it the appropriate time? This is a tough one. It will vary greatly from couple to couple. We can tell you that the first date is not the time. This hurts, but work with us here. Do you think for one minute that you are so irresistible that any woman will throw herself at you after three hours of pasta and Merlot? Right. If that were the case, you wouldn't be reading this book and your mail would be addressed: Brad Pitt, Hollywood, CA. No, there's something else going on. Maybe she does this with every guy she goes out with. She might be drunk. She may be extremely desperate for attention from a guy, any guy and thinks that sex is the quickest way to get it. She may ask you for $100 when it's over! It may be some combination of the above. The question is - is this what you want? Not the sex, dummy, the woman. Do you want to spend more time with her? Are you ready to introduce her to your friends? What about the second date, or the third? OK, this could get silly. Obviously, there is no magic number. All relationships are going to move at different rates and intensities. If you make the decision that you want to move to a physical relationship, what you need is a reality check. Talk to her! Do you actually have a relationship going here? Is she part of your life? Do you share a lot? Do you trust her? Are you close enough that you can have an honest discussion about having sex? If you can't talk to her about it how are you going to get naked with her? We don't want to remove the passion and make this sound too clinical, but it's important that her expectations are properly focused. If you are not ready to commit to an exclusive relationship, the time to reveal that is before you hit the sack. If that's still OK, and the two of you want to proceed, well . . .
There are those that are just fine dating once, twice or maybe three times and then bail out suddenly. While you can't predict this behavior, you can understand it when it happens. In this way you can deal with it. Your best strategy is to let it go. You are only one in a series of men who have played her game. It's not about you. It's about her and her problems. Move on. She may be in love with the concept of falling in love. Then she doesn't know what to
do with it. What if you are the one who exhibits these behaviors? That is a serious problem. You will never pass go and collect two hundred dollars if you don't figure out what is wrong. You may need to get some good professional help. However, you can try some of these suggestions to get past the problem. Do something about it. If you don't see a strategy here that helps, resolve to find a way to turn the situation around. You are after all playing mind games with yourself. You know yourself better than anyone, or at least you should. Try to figure out why. Have you ever had a committed relationship? Did something painful happen? What about during your childhood? Did you have a good relationship with your parents and your siblings? Stay in the moment. Deal with her in the present. Don't try to project what might happen in the future if you continue to see her. Also, your potential with her is completely unknown and not related to your past. Stretch yourself. Make a good-faith attempt to continue dating her past your usual cut-off point. This will negate ingrained behavior patterns you have developed as a defense. Give the new situation a chance. This woman is new in your life. She has nothing to do with any painful episodes in your past. Any comparisons or similarities you are drawing are of your own design. Try to put things in their proper time perspective. That was then - this is now.
Case 2- She is ending the relationship. It shouldn't come as a surprise. There will be signs. You need to keep your eyes open. The ball is in her court. She may call you or ask you to come over. It's hard to say. If you suspect she is trying to end things, try to be communicative and honest. Don't lose control. Never get angry or hysterical. Try not to cry. If there is something you need to know, ask. When the situation is obvious, there is only one class move. You must stand up, say goodbye, turn around, walk away and do not look back. Go home or visit a close friend. Do not call her. Don't beg. Don't whine. Be a man. If there is some hope of reconciliation, she will let you know. Then you can decide if it is in your best interests. Avoid dating for a while. You are not ready. You could be subject to the "rebound" syndrome. Again, keep your mouth shut. Don't discuss the situation with mutual friends. Speak well of her. After all you shared some good times. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. If you need to talk, find a confidant - someone you can trust.
|
